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Caregiver’s Rest Day
Today I decided to take a rest day while my husband, Fred, took care of Gladys. Every caregiver should take one. After Thursday and Friday of last week, I really needed a stress free day. On Thursday I found out that the City of Philadelphia had put a lien on our house there because a tenant left owing a $729.00 water bill. It took two days to take care of the water bill. The City of Philadelphia is not the easiest entity to deal with, especially long distance.
I’m usually awake by 5:30 AM and get up about 6:15 AM. Today Fred served me breakfast in bed, while I watched the Today Show. After my second cup of coffee, I fell asleep again. I finally got up about 11:30 AM and decided to ignore my To Do List. I haven’t slept that late in years.
Today is Valerie Day
I chose to do something that I had not done since Gladys arrived – I started reading a novel. I have a stack of unread novels and decided on Echo Park by Michael Connelly. Along with Tom Clancy and Vince Flynn, Michael Connelly is one of my favorite authors.
Today, there were no books on caregiving, dementia or blogging. No doctor’s appointments, prescriptions to pick up or cleaning chores. No gift baskets to make or e-bay sales to mail. No cell phone. Today was Valerie day and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was surprised at how tired I was and how much I just needed some down time.
Does Dementia Affect Pride in Appearance? I Think Not!
If you are a caregiver for someone with dementia, have you ever wondered why they remember certain things and forget others? Do you wonder how they can be so cantankerous about how you comb their hair, which shoes or outfits they want to wear? This baffles me.
When Gladys was a young woman, she was quite attractive and had what was once called an “hour glass figure.” She took a lot of pride in her appearance. She had long thick hair that was always impeccably styled and she wore the latest fashions. Gladys still takes pride in her appearance but I am confused about how her memory works.
I can’t make Gladys understand that her hair is too thin to wear in the trademark pageboy of her youth. She wants to wear her hair down but it needs to be in a pony tail or braided in order to control the fly away effect that happens shortly after her hair is combed. She thinks it looks nice but it is a mess.
Another issue is 
shoes. Gladys hates the orthopedic shoes that the doctors want her to wear. She says they are ugly, and they are, but they provide the extra support that she needs. She has two pair of fairly stylish flats that we let her wear to church and on special occasions but not every day. Every morning I lay out her clothes for the day. I help her with the more difficult things that she has to put on but she can usually navigate her pants, socks and shoes by herself. After I help Gladys with the difficult items of clothing, I go upstairs to get dressed and that’s when she tries to put on a different pair of shoes. She tries to trick my husband into helping her but he doesn’t fall for it.
Yesterday Gladys had a doctor’s appointment. Just like every other day, I had to remind her:
- to use mouthwash before she put in her dentures
- her underwear is in the top dresser draw
- that she had already put lotion on her hands (three times at least)
- her chewing gum is on the dresser
- the cat has already been fed
These are daily reminders that are part of her normal routine, but things that she forgets almost immediately after she has been reminded. So again, my question is – How can she remember which shoes she would rather wear? How does she remember that she doesn’t want me to braid her hair like I did yesterday? How does she remember the black knit blouse with the black and white cuffs and collar?
What’s the deal here? Do you experience the same kind of problems?
Dementia, The Elections and Voting
Immediately after we moved Gladys to Georgia it became quite apparent that she was aware that Barack Obama was running for President of the United States. But all she could remember to ask about was “the black man running for president.” Because of her dementia, he doesn’t know that the year is 2008 and she can’t remember what day it is. As far as the 2008 elections are concerned, she knows there is “a black man ” and “an old white haired man” running for president. Her words, not mine.
I am a firm believer in voting. I don’t care who your candidate is, I just believe everyone of voting age should cast their ballot. With this in mind, I was faced with a difficult decision. Should I let Gladys register to vote in Georgia?
If Gladys registered and voted, I would have to fill out her registration form, take her to the polls, go in the booth with her and cast her ballot for her. I’m not even sure that I would have been allowed to do this. I am absolutely sure that Gladys would have voted for Barack Obama. The decision I made was what I believed to be one of ethics and integrity. In good conscience, I could not register her to vote.
I came across a similar issue by Carol Bradley Bursack on Agingcare.com. Here is an excerpt of her article, Should Aging Parents with Dementia Lose the Right to Vote:
As Mom’s dementia grew worse, I started to wonder a bit. Could I just let the election slip past? Would she notice? Where did her rights stop? I’d felt guilty when we stopped Dad’s voting, but there wasn’t as much gray area. He really had gotten past the point of awareness and decision making. With Mom, it was different.
I found that she was very aware it was election time, even if she couldn’t remember if my sister had come to visit or not, the Sunday before. I was also aware of how steadily dementia was eating into her dignity as a person and devouring of her decision making rights. I agonized over voting rights and whether she should do it.
However, until the last couple of years of her life, I kept helping her vote. Was I right? I knew her preferences. In hindsight, I probably should have had a third person help, but who but family would have known her past preferences and her political beliefs? How would it have helped to have someone sit there as we discussed it? I’m not sure, but maybe I should have. What is done is done.
I don’t have an answer to this problem but I’m sure that Carol Bradley Bursack and I are not there only caregivers who have struggled with this issue. As we prepare to vote tomorrow, I wonder what you think about this issue. Let’s start a discussion.
