The Sad Side of Caregiving for Family Members with Dementia

If you are a family caregiver, you know the difficulties of taking care of an aging person with any form dementia.  They forget so many things that you remember and may feel are important.  Eventually, they may forget your name and who you are.

If you’ve been reading this blog, you know that I take care of my god-sister.  She is a widow with no children, siblings or close family members – except me and my family.   During the the first ten years of my life, I was primarily raised by my god-mother.  Even though Gladys is old enough to be my mother, she and I were raised as sisters.

The Gladys that I grew up with was a strong, confident, self-sufficient woman.  Today, she is just a shell of her former self – she is the exact antithesis of what she used to be.  Granted, she has flash backs and threatens to knock the sh## out of one of the other clients at the adult day care center; but that’s rare.  Her body is weak, she is totally reliant on me and Fred (my husband) and her memory fades more each day.

Gladys knows who I am but she doesn’t know my name.  She often confuses me with my oldest daughter, Nichole and as a result she calls me Nichole.  My husband, Fred and daughter, Anita don’t have names.  Gladys manages to call them without using a name.

It’s very difficult for me to come to grips with this Gladys because I still see the strong, confident woman I knew in the past.  Yet, I realize that the past is exactly that – the past.

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Our Promise To Gladys

When Gladys had her stroke three years ago, our most difficult decision was where she was going to live and who would take care of her.  Gladys is a widow with no children and no siblings.  My daughter, Nichole, and I made Gladys a promise – to look after her as long as we can; and, if possible, we will not put her in a nursing home.  And that is what we intend to do.

A few month’s ago I was talking to another Nicole, one of the managers where I bank.  Nicole’s mother is a caregiver for Nicole’s grandmother.  It is very difficult for her because Nicole’s grandmother is a rather large woman and Nicole’s mother is a small woman.  The main difficulty comes when the grandmother falls or needs help getting up.  There have been times when Nicole’s mother had to call the fire department to get her mother up after a fall.

Nicole’s mother eventually made the difficult decision to put her mom in a nursing home.  It was something that she agonized over for a long time.  You see, she also said she would not put her mom in a nursing home.  After a few weeks though, grandmother was back at home with her daughter.

I’ve talked to other people who are caregivers for their parents.  Most of them say that a nursing home is a last resort.  Regardless of the sacrifices and stress involved, caregivers want those we love to live out their lives surrounded by family and people who care about them.

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Show Some Valentine Love for Caregivers

Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching and many of us are looking for cards, flowers, candy or special dinners and weekends.  This is a wonderful opportunity to show some love to a caregiver.

There are full-time caregivers, part-time caregivers and occasional caregivers.  There are two kinds of caregivers who would be especially appreciative for someone to show them some love – the primary caregiver and the caregiver with no support.

Primary Caregivers

You could show some love for a family member who is the primary caregiver.  Even though this caregiver probably has some level of support from other family members their tasks are great and stressful.  This person has to deal with caregiving issues every day.  They are responsible for doctor’s appointments, picking up prescriptions, cooking meals, taking care of laundry and cleaning.  They are the ones who are up in the middle of the night helping with some type of real or pseudo emergency.

Caregivers Without Support

The caregiver who especially needs to be shown some love is the one without a support system.  This is the caregiver who does not have a life of their own.  They are the only one who gives care.  They may or may not have other family members, who could, but don’t help.  This caregiver could really use a random act of kindness from a friend, neighbor or church member.  They would probably appreciate a few hours of relief rather than flowers or candy.

In either of these cases a spa day or just a day to themselves would mean a lot.

Let’s be creative and show some love for caregivers.

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