Subscribe to RSSPosts Tagged ‘challenges of elder care’
The Daughter Trap: A Book Review
A few months ago Laurel Kennedy asked me to review her book – The Daughter Trap: Taking Care of Mom and Dad . . . And You. Laurel and I met (so to speak) on Twitter where we follow each other. Unfortunately the book sat longer than I would have liked because like the women in Laurel’s book, I am a caregiver and the past few months have been full of personal caregiving issues and drama.
Ms Kennedy describes elder care as a “cultural phenomenon hidden in plain sight.” This quote from page 10 in the book caught my attention because I know that there are over 40 million caregivers for elderly family members but the subject only seems to be discussed among fellow caregivers. I agree with Laurel’s assessment that “elder care needs a poster child” so people can have a reason to care.
If you’re looking for a “how to” book about caregiving, this is not really that type of book. This book explores the issue of women being saddled as primary caregivers for aging family members. Laurel interviewed hundreds of women who care for their own parents, their husband’s parents, family members and neighbors. Through sharing, these women paint a not-so-pretty, but accurate, picture of their expectations and the sacrifices they make in the name of elder care.
One of the reasons I started this blog was to share my family’s experiences with elder care. This is because when most people get thrown into the elder care arena, they have no idea what to do. When I try to talk to friends and neighbors with elder care issues looming in the near future, I experience what Laurel calls an “aversion to end-of-life issues and the inevitable physical and mental declines associated with old age.”
Laurel firmly believes and advocates the need for an elder care champion and a media platform. She wants a movement established to put some teeth into the issue of elder care funding, legislation, tax credits and employment leaves of absence. She gives her idea of solutions and provides elder care resources at the end of her book.
If you are at least 40 years old and your parents are still living, this book will give you some insight into what could be in store for your future:
- exploring housing options
- care options
- taking time off from work and/or early retirement
- sibling rivalry
- the value of a good geriatrician
- financial challenges and responsibilities
- the need to take care of yourself
If you are already a caregiver you will relate to many of the stories shared by the women who were interviewed. By the way, Laurel did not discriminate – she interviewed some men as well.
I read this book with the eyes of someone who is already in the trenches. Fortunately my 80 year old mother is still in good health and her mind is sharp but I take care of my god-sister who has dementia and is bedridden. It is physically and emotionally difficult and it is often frustrating but I take care of her because she has no one else. I know this book is a good resource because I’m living it.
Elder Care: Fast Decline Can Catch You Off Guard
In April I wrote a post about Gladys’ declining mental and physical capabilities. At that time the adult day care she was attending, informed us that they wouldn’t be able to keep her as a client past the end of the month. Since then, it’s been four and a half months of constant change. We are in the season of elder care where it’s become very difficult.
Gladys’ decline has progressed so rapidly that it caught us off guard. We expected decline but not so much in such a short period of time. Initially, I hired our sitter, Tami, to come for three days a week – the two days that I work and an extra day so I could run some errands. However, because of the rapid change in Gladys’ condition, I added another day at the end of July. By October, I expect to have Tami coming five days a week.
Three weeks ago, Gladys could walk about 15 steps. Those steps were very slow and unsteady. Two weeks ago those 15 steps became about six steps. Today she can’t walk at all. There are also other areas of decline that have taken place since April:
- She can’t stand
- She cannot sit up without assistance
- She can’t roll or turn from side to side
- Her left hand is claw-like and her right hand is on it’s way
- She can only feed herself finger food
- She can’t use a fork or hold a cup
- She has difficulty swallowing her medicine
- She hallucinates
Hospice ordered a Hoya lift that we use to move Gladys from her bed to her recliner. I don’t know what we would do without the lift because trying to move her is like moving dead weight. It’s impossible to explain to Gladys that we need to roll her so we can change her diaper, bathe her or change her clothes. She just doesn’t understand instructions.
Dealing with Gladys now is very frustrating for several reasons: first because she doesn’t understand what’s going on; second because she has no cartilage so it’s very painful when we move her; third because she resists and pushes against us when we try to move her; fourth because she fusses and wants to know “why are you doing this to me;” and fifth because she has no idea that she can’t do any of the things that I mentioned above. She thinks that she if fully functional.
So far I still handle my frustrations with humor. After I walk away, about 30 minutes later I can still laugh at the absurdity of what Gladys has said or done. Just yesterday, Gladys was fussing at me and I fussed back at her. My husband asked, “Why are you trying to reason with her? You know she doesn’t understand.” I said to him “I know that but it helps me get it off my chest. Plus, I know that five minutes later, she won’t remember any of this?” We both had a good laugh, and I felt better.
Related Posts:
The Ever Changing Life of A Family Caregiver
